Relieved to be Queer

by Patty Cooper, RScP

This week I’m excited to introduce you to one of our founding board members, Patty Cooper. Patty is a historian, Licensed Spiritual Practitioner with Centers for Spiritual Living, and Emeritus Faculty at the University of Kentucky where she served as the first chair of the Gender and Women’s Studies Department. You can find out more about Patty in this video.

I’d also like to invite you all to our next Queer Spirit Collective online gathering for connection and spiritual practice this Sunday, May 17 at 4pm ET. Here is the link to join us on google meets. And now Patty Cooper in her own words:

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I could tell my Mom was really upset with me. It was a Girl Scout meeting where everyone except me had completed tasks to earn a badge, specifically the cooking badge. I didn’t do it. I don’t remember why. I mostly remember how mortified my Mom was at the meeting when I was the only one who hadn’t earned any badges at all. Looking back, I think there was something brewing in there somewhere. I did not want to become my mother. I wanted to be free. This was the 1950s and little girls, I was told, were to be “seen and not heard.” I remember another moment when I was very little and was being taken to the family doctor’s office for the usual round of injections every child had to have. I was crying and my father said to me “you are crying about a shot? How will you ever manage childbirth? I remember thinking well, no problem. I won’t have any kids. And I didn’t.

I also remember being entranced by a camp counselor--I was sent to camp to learn how to be a nice young lady. What I actually learned was that women could be strong and confident. I made a big fuss about creating decorations on the cabin and invited Gooch to come take a look. The other campers and my own camp counselor let me know this was at best odd. Later, I realized my gym teacher had the same demeanor that Gooch had. Strong and confident. I loved being around her and cracking jokes together. I also adored Judy Garland. I wasn’t focused on the Varieties of Sexual Experiences yet (1985 book on the subject). I did, however, have a long string of memories where I learned that things I said, did and wanted were inappropriate in the eyes of “normal” people. We didn’t have words like neurodiverse then. I didn’t know what gender presentation meant, bisexual showed up in my mind, but didn’t take root right away. Most importantly, the word queer was unknown to me.

I became a people pleaser. I was funny and curious, engaging, yet wary. I worked hard to tone myself down to be likeable because the message I received from every corner was that I was too much. I had long thought I had an energy inside me that was bad--the blurter, the loud person, the unconventional and often oppositional woman, the too muchness of my being. Nothing could hide how different I was. I was ashamed and believed I was fundamentally flawed. There seemed to be no way to fix it.

Years later, after much therapy and reading, two pivotal things happened that further reshaped my consciousness. I was a college teacher at the University of Kentucky and began teaching courses on the “history of sexuality” in the United States. I recognized that trying to be “normal,” was a trap. I remember reading Michael Warner’s book The Trouble with Normal: Sex, Politics and the Ethics of Queer Life. I resonated with the title because it problematized the notion of “normal,” but also because it used the word queer. It argued that the focus on gay marriage meant that some people could gain legitimacy /acceptance as same sex couples, but this emphasis on respectability and fitting in was leaving out so many people who may or may not have been gay/lesbian/trans/nonbinary, but were, in fact queer. Socialized to view the word queer as dangerous, I only gradually thought through how this related to me and how liberating it was. The “freedom” I’d been seeking was simple. It was the freedom to be exactly who I was. No apology or shame required.

Around the same time, a friend mentioned Eckhart Tolle’s book The Power of Now. When I read it, I gradually realized some of what I had been doing to myself--self hate, diminishing myself, feeling like a freak. I listened to the book on a portable cassette player (yep that was cutting edge tech back then) over and over until I could almost recite it by heart. My awareness grew. I didn’t need to seek a spiritual life: I already had one and it was a combination of paths unique to me. It was religion that I had sought to escape. The book showed me that I was not my thoughts and that I could observe and explore them. I had a life I wanted to live that was conscious in ways I hadn’t considered before. I could stop striving to be someone other than the unique, quirky, happily unmarried, woman-loving being that I already was. I started imagining what it would be like to see myself as love, to recognize that I had this loving, joyful energy inside myself, not the flawed energy I had tried to destroy. It was time to love what is.

The Divine, by any name, was real and alive inside me and everyone and everything. This awareness was not instant and needed time, experience and openness to grow and expand. It was a relief to settle into my life and I didn’t have to be coupled with anyone.

I recently read Brené Brown’s book Braving the Wilderness: The Quest for True Belonging and the Courage to Stand Alone. I can hear a few groans about my references to books, but their gifts to me are not about stuffing feelings, rather, they help show me how to find and feel my feelings. They are a vital part of my inner explorations and insights. With this particular book, I saw once more, albeit at a deeper level, that life isn’t about fitting in. It is about “belonging to ourselves” even when it means standing alone. The only place to be is in integrity. Returning to this awareness, even during and after falling into a hole of anxiety, fear and depression, has made my life fuller and more joyful. All of it is me. It is messy, unconventional, holy and sacred. This Queer Spirit called Patty continues her lifelong journey, welcomes you here and wants to get to know you, feels blessed and kisses the ground daily in gratitude and love.